Chrissy Teigen Describes the Pain of Losing Her Baby

The American Model, Chrissy Teigen made her sad childbirth experience public in a social media post; the television personality also shared her testimony about the experience, and her settlement to have photos taken from her hospital bed and what public responses about her experience have meant to her.

In an essay published on Medium, Chrissy Teigen describes how she and her husband, the musician John Legend, lost their third child. She was admitted to the hospital after persistent bleeding, and she was diagnosed with partial placenta abruption.

“I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms),” Teigen wrote. “I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a ‘safer’ zone for the fetus.”

“My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low – he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly,” Chrissy Teigen wrote. “After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming – it was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either. We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn’t done anything at all.”

“I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, and then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness. Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.” She continued. “I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after [giving birth to their other two children] Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.”

However, Chrissy Teigen responded to complainers, who told her she ought not to have shared such an intimate photo of the delivery.

“I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done,” she said. “I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”

Chrissy Teigen also describes the experience of the epidural – “I had always laughed about how much I loved epidurals … not so much this one” – and the delivery itself.

“The doctors yelled for a bit and … I don’t know what to say, even now. He was out. My mom, John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer,” she wrote. “I dunno how long he had been waiting to be delivered for. That will probably always haunt me. Just writing it makes my nose and eyes tingle with tears. All I know now is his ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind.”

Chrissy Teigen appreciated many people who had reached out to her to share their own experiences of pregnancy loss, saying, “the moments of kindness have been nothing short of beautiful.”

“I went to a store where the checkout lady quietly added flowers to my cart. Sometimes people will approach me with a note. The worst part is knowing there are so many women that won’t get these quiet moments of joy from strangers. I beg you to please share your stories and to please be kind to those pouring their hearts out. Be kind in general, as some won’t pour them out at all,” she wrote.

The actors Busy Phillips, Yvonne Strahovski, Ellen DeGeneres, and America Ferrara were among the many to express their support for Teigen and her family on Instagram.